Over the past few weeks I have been completely stressed, overwhelmed and pushed to my very limits. Yesterday I decided to hand it all to God and rely on the fact that I know he has a plan for me and that everything in life happens for a reason. Today I am writing down my feelings of the last few weeks and letting them go. I can't dwell on the negative anymore or it will consume me and drag me down further.
I am a fiercely loyal friend and once you become close to me I have a hard time letting you go. Even if you hurt me over and over and over again. I have always been forgiving, understanding and will bend over backwards for those I love, at times it is to a fault. I was reminded yesterday that some friendships are meant to be seasonal. While this is true sometimes its hard to recognize when a friendship just isn't working or like me you ignore things in hopes that they will get better. Ignoring a problem never fixes it and sometimes addressing it won't fix it either if both friends aren't willing to work through the issues together. I have been beating a dead horse but I am still trying to work through it in hopes that this friend and I won't end up over lately but at what point is enough truly enough? When I decided to give it to God yesterday I realized maybe what happened was the BIG sign I needed, maybe this is the neon flashing light that tells me you have done all you can and its time to throw in the towel. I'm still mulling over this because walking away has never been an easy thing for me. I feel like when I walk away from
something I am giving up, failing or just not plain good enough.
My husband is a great man. The navy is very demanding in their needs of him. Which means as much as he wants to be here and help out all the time he usually can't or doesn't have the time, energy or patience. I have reached a point where I can't keep doing everything by myself. I work part-time and am maid, entertainer, caregiver, appointment scheduler, cook, and nurse mom full time. Sometimes it all piles up and I feel completely overwhelmed. I am completely starting to crack and the first thought I have when I get to this point is "I should just move home". When Flynn was in Cuba for a year I lived with my parents. Peanut was only 6 months old and I wanted to make sure I had a good support system surrounding me while he was away. Life was hard being without him but was made easier by having other adults to share the cooking, cleaning and other daily chores of running a household and raising children. I want to run home where I can have the help that I need to get through each day because right now I can't do it alone, but is that the right answer? I'm not sure really what to do. I don't want to pull Peanut out of school, transfer my job and our household, share a house with my parents and be without my husband but the alternative seems to be I keep running myself ragged and hope it somehow eases up at some point.
After talking things out with friends and my family the first step has been taken to help me find some balance, relief and regaining of my sanity. I had a previous bad experience in this area with a therapist who just saw how well I was doing and ignored my requests for a med evaluation. I have been seeing therapists and on meds since I was 5 and 7 years old. I was always told I probably would have to be on medication forever. So for me to admit meds might help me and try to get back on them is a big deal. I want so badly to be "normal" whatever that may be and be able to function and handle every day life on my own, but the reality is I can't. I am bipolar and will always have a chemical imbalance in my brain. The only way to "fix" or treat that is with medication. I'm hopeful that the person I met with today will be a good fit and hope tomorrows appointment to talk medication will go well.
Now that that is all out I will try to let go of the stress and frustration and leave you all with one final thought that another friend reminded me of today...."There are no solutions when you only focus on the negative. Instead of focusing on everything going wrong in your life look at all the blessings you have been blessed with. Today was not promised for anyone...no matter how "awful" you think your life is regardless of the situation, be thankful for another day."
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