How do you say goodbye?

If you're an animal person you will understand what I am about to type. If you aren't an animal person you would probably say "Well she was just a cat." From the moment we first brought Emmy Luu home she was anything but just a cat. Emmy was our first furry baby, a friend, cuddle buddy, guard kitty, protector and many more things to our family.

Emmy's 1st night home with us

Emmy was a Don Sphynx and was partially hairless so she would spend most of the time snuggled in a blanket somewhere in the house and often slept in our older daughters bed. It wasn't completely unheard of that we wouldn't always see her running throughout the house. Today I noticed I hadn't seen Emmy since the kids and I got home from NH sunday afternoon. Monday was a crazy day for us since we all came down with this nasty cough/cold so we each had doctors appointments, had to pick us up all our medications and grab a few things from target, fly home, eat, pack up the girls, get myself dressed, drop the girls off to the babysitters and I had to head into work. This is how most of our days go. I feel incredibly guilty I hadn't noticed sooner.

Emmy and I a few days after we brought her home

After I realized I hadn't seen her I tore the house apart searching every room and closet. I patted down every bed, blanket and pillow in the house. I even moved everything in the garage hoping she somehow made it out there. I couldn't find her anywhere at all. I immediately called my mother worrying the worst. She helped me calm down a little and gather my thoughts on what to do next.

Emmy looking tough in one of her little cat "shirts" I made her

I went to the computer and put out missing posts on several of the local navy wives and resale groups hoping someone in the area had seen her. My next move was to call animal control and the local animal shelters. When I got ahold of someone at animal control I was not expecting to hear that they had her. The woman there told me she had been found over the weekend. When they found her she was hypothermic and unconscious on my neighbors porch. They brought her to an emergency vet clinic where she was unresponsive. The vet made the call to put her down. I choked up and asked if they still had her there. She told me they did. I asked if I could come get her and she told me to give her half an hour.

My parents cat, Sachmo, and Emmy in her Christmas sweater

My friend Sam showed up not even five minutes later saying "We are going out to look for her. We will find her." I had to tell her the news, Emmy was gone. She took me to go get Emmy from animal control. The woman there was an absolute sweet heart and was so kind to me. I sobbed the whole time I was there. She brought her out for me and I asked her if I could open the box and see her. She opened it for me and inside I saw my precious little Emmy. She looked like she was sleeping. It didn't seem real and it still doesn't. I took her to the car with me and we headed to go pick up M from pre-k. While we drove there I called the vet on base to see if I could bring her there to be cremated. They said I could bring her in so as soon as we got Michaela we headed on base.

Both the army guy and vet tech lady on base were apologetic and very kind. The lady asked if I lost a pet and when I sobbed "Yes" she just hugged me and told me she understood. She lost a little kitten at 6 weeks old and never found her. The army guy got Emmy's information all into the computer and told me to sit down for a moment while they got it all taken care of. He apologized when he had to come over and get more information from me. I told him it was okay and he said no it isn't. He felt very bad having to ask me more. I was told in about two weeks I could come back and pick her up.

Sam spent the rest of the day with me. We drove up to Manchester with one of her kiddos and my two to pick up on of her bridesmaids dresses. It honestly helped to not have to be alone all day. Shortly after we got back she had to leave to pick up her other son and go home to get dinner started. Right before she left my other friend Jess showed up. Jess hugged me and talked to me for a while. I can't thank my friends enough for what they did for me today. I even thanked my neighbor who found her. He kept saying how sorry he was but he will never understand how truly thankful I was that his family found her. It means so much to me to be able to find her and bring her home. I don't have to wonder if she found another family or if she was hit by a car. I am glad to have closure even if its painful.

Duke and Emmy

I feel responsible. I feel guilty. I feel completely shattered and broken. I keep thinking I should have been here. I shouldn't have gone to my friends wedding. It kills me that she died the way she did. I would have rather her be old and home and know she was loved instead of cold, without us and hopefully not wondering why we weren't there to let her back in. It kills me to know she was found on our road. She was probably trying to get home.

Emmy curled up on Duke's bed

Telling M was just as difficult as hearing the news myself. I told her while we were away Emmy got outside and since it was very cold she got very sick and ended up going to heaven. M asked what heaven was like and where it was. I explained that heaven was the most beautiful place and that it was high up above the clouds. She asked how we got to heaven and I told her inside each of us was a spirit and when we pass away that spirit leaves our body and floats up to heaven. M asked "How did Emmy get to heaven if she wasn't dead." That made it hard not to cry again. I told her Emmy was dead and thats how she made it to heaven. I had been hoping not to have to say it like that. She cried and kept saying she missed her kitty. I had to reassure her, much like I've been reassuring myself, that Emmy was happy and that God was taking good care of her and that someday we would see her again.

Emmy snuggling in bed with me one morning

Emmy you were such an important piece in my life and part of the start of my relationship with Flynn. You have been there for me through so much. You helped keep me safe while Flynn was on underways. You listened to me cry and snuggled me to help comfort me. When I had bad morning sickness with both of my pregnancies you would sit in the bathroom with me and keep me company. You slept under the covers and shared my pillow with me at night. You weren't just a cat, you were my family, one of my children and the best kitty anyone could ever have.

Emmy playing Parrot with my friend little Jess

How do I say goodbye to you? How do I not blame myself? How do I not blame Flynn and his friend when they could be who let you out? How do I let all this go and just remember how much I loved you and all the memories we had? I just don't know. I know I will always miss you. I know I will think of you lying on the back of the stove whenever I cooked. Whenever I turn on the faucet I will expect to see you run over and try to drink from it. I will expect to wake up with you snuggled up next to me.

Emmy Luu you were very loved and will be forever missed <3

Stress, seasonal friends and other things that just plain stink...

Over the past few weeks I have been completely stressed, overwhelmed and pushed to my very limits. Yesterday I decided to hand it all to God and rely on the fact that I know he has a plan for me and that everything in life happens for a reason. Today I am writing down my feelings of the last few weeks and letting them go. I can't dwell on the negative anymore or it will consume me and drag me down further.

I am a fiercely loyal friend and once you become close to me I have a hard time letting you go. Even if you hurt me over and over and over again. I have always been forgiving, understanding and will bend over backwards for those I love, at times it is to a fault. I was reminded yesterday that some friendships are meant to be seasonal. While this is true sometimes its hard to recognize when a friendship just isn't working or like me you ignore things in hopes that they will get better. Ignoring a problem never fixes it and sometimes addressing it won't fix it either if both friends aren't willing to work through the issues together. I have been beating a dead horse but I am still trying to work through it in hopes that this friend and I won't end up over lately but at what point is enough truly enough? When I decided to give it to God yesterday I realized maybe what happened was the BIG sign I needed, maybe this is the neon flashing light that tells me you have done all you can and its time to throw in the towel. I'm still mulling over this because walking away has never been an easy thing for me. I feel like when I walk away from 

something I am giving up, failing or just not plain good enough.

My husband is a great man. The navy is very demanding in their needs of him. Which means as much as he wants to be here and help out all the time he usually can't or doesn't have the time, energy or patience. I have reached a point where I can't keep doing everything by myself. I work part-time and am maid, entertainer, caregiver, appointment scheduler, cook, and nurse mom full time. Sometimes it all piles up and I feel completely overwhelmed. I am completely starting to crack and the first thought I have when I get to this point is "I should just move home". When Flynn was in Cuba for a year I lived with my parents. Peanut was only 6 months old and I wanted to make sure I had a good support system surrounding me while he was away. Life was hard being without him but was made easier by having other adults to share the cooking, cleaning and other daily chores of running a household and raising children. I want to run home where I can have the help that I need to get through each day because right now I can't do it alone, but is that the right answer? I'm not sure really what to do. I don't want to pull Peanut out of school, transfer my job and our household, share a house with my parents and be without my husband but the alternative seems to be I keep running myself ragged and hope it somehow eases up at some point.

After talking things out with friends and my family the first step has been taken to help me find some balance, relief and regaining of my sanity. I had a previous bad experience in this area with a therapist who just saw how well I was doing and ignored my requests for a med evaluation. I have been seeing therapists and on meds since I was 5 and 7 years old. I was always told I probably would have to be on medication forever. So for me to admit meds might help me and try to get back on them is a big deal. I want so badly to be "normal" whatever that may be and be able to function and handle every day life on my own, but the reality is I can't. I am bipolar and will always have a chemical imbalance in my brain. The only way to "fix" or treat that is with medication. I'm hopeful that the person I met with today will be a good fit and hope tomorrows appointment to talk medication will go well.

Now that that is all out I will try to let go of the stress and frustration and leave you all with one final thought that another friend reminded me of today...."There are no solutions when you only focus on the negative. Instead of focusing on everything going wrong in your life look at all the blessings you have been blessed with. Today was not promised for anyone...no matter how "awful" you think your life is regardless of the situation, be thankful for another day."

Lets talk about the VMAs...not about Miley Cyrus

*WARNING* I know this topic is touchy and I may offend some but this is my opinion and I'm going to voice it.


I watched the VMAs last week and while yes Miley's performance seems to be the popular topic of conversation I think theres something else that should've been talked about.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis won a moon man for Best Song with a Social Message with their song Same Love. That along with them performing that song really was the big moment of the VMAs to me. I think this should've been the focus of the evening and what was talked about over the next few days. I was surprised that that song was voted on enough to win. I think that speaks multitudes of where we stand as a generation and country on the issue of Gay Rights and Marriage Equality.

When I first heard Same Love on the radio I cried. Some of it is remnants of hormones still shifting back into place but most of it was because I was glad to hear a song like that made it onto the radio. There needs to be more people in this country and across the world brave enough to write and perform music like this, to stand up and say we are all equal and deserve the same rights. I feel very strongly about this not because I have had gay friends over the years but because I don't think the love a woman has for another woman or a man has for another man is anything different then the love my husband and I share. I think its despicable that kids get bullied in school for being different in any sense of the word let alone for who they might have feelings for. I think it's very sad that we can deny someone the right to marry someone they are committed to spending the rest of their life with just because they are of the same gender.

I have said for years that people who quote the bible to further their own agenda often are misinterpreting what it really says. When I was growing up going to church and sunday school I remember being taught that God created all of us, God knows what path each of us will take, God gave us his son Jesus Christ to be nailed upon a cross in order to forgive us for our sins and that God knows all. If this is true then how could he hate people who are gay? How could that be something he didn't know would happen? How could that, even if it is a sin, not be forgiven? I think people need to stop using the bible as a platform to stand on. This was a book that was written many years ago and all the books in it were written by different people. The whole bible is a persons perspective on what happened all those years ago. I'm not saying that doesn't make any of it true or untrue but how can we use it as a reference to say how God feels about anything? How can we use that to say something isn't right or okay?

I really believe and hope that within my lifetime we will see equality for all. I hope that I can raise my children to be open minded and closed to hate of what they don't know or understand. We need to stop focusing on one "celebrity" who danced provocatively and look at the bigger issues.


I wanted to include the lyrics to Same Love by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Mary Lambert. I hope that you can read these lyrics and feel the powerful message in them as I did.

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin' "
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it

(I don't know)

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up... sex

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(not crying on Sundays)

Let's try this again....

Once upon a time I decided to blog......and failed.

Two February's ago now I decided I wanted to start a blog to share and reflect on everyday life. I don't know why I thought with a 3 year old and 4 month old I would have time to write more then two posts in a whole year. Now that things have settled, as much as they can with my sailor hubby plus a 4 & almost 2 year old, I am going to try this again.

Here's a little update on our life:

Me - Since I clearly don't wear enough hats already I decided to add a few more. I started working at Ann Taylor Loft in March and recently promoted to sales lead. I work part time there and still sell Scentsy (www.takeawhiffofthis.scentsy.us)! I've also been volunteering my time and am currently president of my husband's boats Family Readiness Group.

Flynnda - Still in the Navy on the same boat and will be until sometime in 2016. His schedule is still just as crazy and we usually don't see him until after 7pm most days, including some weekends. Sometime in the near future he will most likely be going out to sea again...Yay single mom status! (please read last phrase with a slightly sarcastic tone)

Peanut (also known as M) - Will be entering her second year of Pre-K at a local public school soon since she doesn't turn 5 before the cut off date. She is the most active, talkative and inquisitive 4 year old, who needs to know everything about everything. She currently specializes in having the attitude problems of a 16 year old girl and saying the darndest things.

Pumpkin (also know as K) - Will be turning 2 in October. She is growing up way to fast for my liking and has to do everything her big sister does. She has learned many great phrases lately such as "don't want to!", "you stop it!" and "no!". She is trying to figure out how to use the potty but hasn't mastered the part where you actually pull down your pants and diaper to do so which usually results in something a little like this...."Mama, pee-pee!" *Grabs potty seat, puts it on the potty, and tries to unravel the whole roll of toilet paper* Not exactly how you do it but she'll get there.


My hope for my blog this time around is that while sharing our everyday life you can also share the laughs, mistakes and memories that I hope to sit down with a nice cup of coffee and reflect on this time next year...because lets face it, life with two small children can be like the Hunger Games, someone might not make it out alive.

The hardest truth I will ever admit, I was that child.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html

 Please read the article above before my response below. I am in no way condoning violent behavior or excusing violence because of a having a mental illness. This is a real issue. This country has a serious problem with how it 'helps' those with mental illnesses. This is very hard for me to admit but I was that child.

 I can remember being very little, maybe no older then 5, and feeling like I was watching myself lose control and not being able to stop it. I would have these tantrums, more like explosions where I would absolutely lose it. I would hit, kick, bite, scream and say terrible unspeakable things to my parents and family. I would destroy things in our home and not feel like I could stop myself at all. My parents many times would have to restrain me until I calmed down and it would stop. It was the scariest thing I have ever been through. I feel like I would turn into this monster that couldn't be controlled. I'd want to stop and calm down but I couldn't. I did not want to hurt or upset my family but I couldn't control myself at all when this happened. I didn't understand why I was the way I was and for a long time I felt alone, confused and scared. I knew that wasn't who I was or wanted to be at all. My parents knew something wasn't normal. They took me to see a child psychiatrist, he was nice from what I remember, but wouldn't try medicating me until I was older. I was seven years old when they did start medicating me. I remember having to swallow six or seven different pills. My parents most times would have to hold me down and make me take them. It was a horrible experience for both them and I. For awhile I think the meds helped, I still had outbursts but I don't think they were as frequent. I am sure they were still just as awful.

When I was in fourth or fifth grade I was hospitalized. I was having a tantrum and I threw a large rock at my fathers head. I didn't want to kill him. I was so lost at that point in whatever had first upset me. I don't even remember what set me off. My parents took me to Four Winds, a psychiatric hospital and from what I remember it wasn't a terribly bad experience. They changed my meds around and had me participate in individual therapy and group therapy with the other kids there. Overall I think it was a safe way for them to try to get me on a medication cocktail that would work. I think I was there for about a month. My parents would visit and call often. I think I was probably mad at first but I can't remember it well. I never felt like seeking revenge for being sent there. I just wanted to be normal. I think from what I can remember for awhile I was after that. I am sure I still had outbursts like that, without the extreme violence.

When I was 13 we moved to New Hampshire. Work was better for my father who is a carpenter, so my mom, sister and I moved with him there. When I started eighth grade the cliques had already formed, everyone already had friends. I was the new girl and the only people who befriended me were mostly other new kids. Most of the 'popular' kids in my grade were cruel. They would tease me at school and on the bus. I was honestly miserable. It didn't help I didn't get along with my cousin who was a year younger and in the same school. He never once stood up for me, even when people he knew or was friends with would bully me in front of him. Towards the end of the school year I was hospitalized twice at Hampstead Hospital. I don't remember why I ended up there, what had set me off and back down that spiral. I do know the people there helped get me back on medication that helped and off I went back to school the following year.

Highschool was hell. I know everyone says that, but to me the absolute worse years of my life were eighth through tenth grade. The students both in my grade and in grades above me treated me like crap. I was bullied constantly, not psychically but verbally. I was called a slut and a whore and I have never had a boyfriend. There were rumors spread that I got knocked up and had an abortion and thats why I wasn't at school for a few months of eighth grade. I hated school. When I finally had a long term boyfriend I was happy with school. He was a person I relied on and had on my side. For awhile things were good and normal again. We had been dating for about a year and a half I believe when I found out some of who I thought were my closest friends threw a party and didn't invite me so he could hook up with an acquaintance of mine. Needless to say he broke up with me. I was completely shattered. That was the first time I tried to commit suicide. I had no friends to turn to and my family didn't seem to understand how hurt I was. I ended up being hospitalized again. Anytime I ended up being hospitalized it had always started with my parents calling the police. They didn't know what else to do. I was out of control and they couldn't stop me and I couldn't stop myself. The police in New York where I grew up from what my parents have told me were sympathetic to the situation and really tried to help my family and I. The police in New Hampshire told my parents I belonged in a juvenile detention facility and if it weren't for the officer that worked with our high school I probably would have ended up there. Officer Levesques knew I wasn't that kind of trouble. I was literally at the police station sitting with my hands zip tied together when he came and talked to the other officers who had brought me there and I'm sure other people on the police force in town who were convinced I should be sent to a detention center. Was I a danger to myself or others, absolutely, when I was loosing control of myself and in the middle of these outbursts but when I wasn't I was just a girl who didn't understand what was happening to herself and was scared of who she might be. I am still so thankful that he saw what was happening with me and knew that that wasn't the case.

My junior year of high school I left Oyster River in Durham, NH and decided to go to a boarding school in Middleboro, MA called F.L. Chamberlain. This is the place I finally gained knowledge and understanding of what was going on and how to live with my diagnoses. This is the place that FINALLY gave me and my family the help we had so desperately needed and been searching for for years. Every kid at my new school had some kind of mental illness. I finally realized how normal I really was, that I wasn't the only kid in the world who took meds or who lost control the way I did. I lived in a house with I believe about 10-12 other kids. We had house parents who would spend the days with us after school and on weekends and house parents who would spend overnights and mornings before school with us. I attended class there and had therapy weekly there. I also participated in different group therapy sessions there. As hard as it was being away from my family and the few friends I had back home that school was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I met some great people there who I still consider friends and some of the staff members there are people I will forever owe a debt of gratitude. If any of you are reading this THANK YOU! Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for teaching me ways to cope and calm myself down. You truly saved me from going down a deeper darker road in life.

After high school and into college life was simply normal. I never lost control again. Never had to be restrained again. I remained on medication and was in therapy for awhile. I have been unmedicated now on and off for about three years and am married and have two beautiful daughters. Once my husband reads this he will know the extent of my struggles of when I was younger. I don't think I have ever in this much detail admitted to anyone who I am or what I have gone through. I haven't even allowed myself to go over my past. Reading that article made me realize its time to let go. I want to share my struggle so that if others read this maybe they will find some help or comfort in knowing they are not alone, so parents like mine may find a little hope that there is help out there, and so I can let go of who I was and find peace with my childhood self. Am I worried my children may have mental health issues, absolutely, but I am armed with the knowledge that there are things I can do to help them if they do. I don't want them to ever feel confused about and scared of themselves like I did.

This country has a issue with how it helps those with mental illnesses. We don't all need to be locked up and kept away from the world, but if help isn't available or affordable how can any of us suffering and want to be different truly change? Some people are suffering in silence not knowing what to do or not being able to afford the resources out there to help themselves. I believe we need to change the way we look at mental illnesses. I believe we need to change how we treat the mentally ill. It's not okay to let people suffer who truly just want to feel normal.