Lets talk about the VMAs...not about Miley Cyrus

*WARNING* I know this topic is touchy and I may offend some but this is my opinion and I'm going to voice it.


I watched the VMAs last week and while yes Miley's performance seems to be the popular topic of conversation I think theres something else that should've been talked about.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis won a moon man for Best Song with a Social Message with their song Same Love. That along with them performing that song really was the big moment of the VMAs to me. I think this should've been the focus of the evening and what was talked about over the next few days. I was surprised that that song was voted on enough to win. I think that speaks multitudes of where we stand as a generation and country on the issue of Gay Rights and Marriage Equality.

When I first heard Same Love on the radio I cried. Some of it is remnants of hormones still shifting back into place but most of it was because I was glad to hear a song like that made it onto the radio. There needs to be more people in this country and across the world brave enough to write and perform music like this, to stand up and say we are all equal and deserve the same rights. I feel very strongly about this not because I have had gay friends over the years but because I don't think the love a woman has for another woman or a man has for another man is anything different then the love my husband and I share. I think its despicable that kids get bullied in school for being different in any sense of the word let alone for who they might have feelings for. I think it's very sad that we can deny someone the right to marry someone they are committed to spending the rest of their life with just because they are of the same gender.

I have said for years that people who quote the bible to further their own agenda often are misinterpreting what it really says. When I was growing up going to church and sunday school I remember being taught that God created all of us, God knows what path each of us will take, God gave us his son Jesus Christ to be nailed upon a cross in order to forgive us for our sins and that God knows all. If this is true then how could he hate people who are gay? How could that be something he didn't know would happen? How could that, even if it is a sin, not be forgiven? I think people need to stop using the bible as a platform to stand on. This was a book that was written many years ago and all the books in it were written by different people. The whole bible is a persons perspective on what happened all those years ago. I'm not saying that doesn't make any of it true or untrue but how can we use it as a reference to say how God feels about anything? How can we use that to say something isn't right or okay?

I really believe and hope that within my lifetime we will see equality for all. I hope that I can raise my children to be open minded and closed to hate of what they don't know or understand. We need to stop focusing on one "celebrity" who danced provocatively and look at the bigger issues.


I wanted to include the lyrics to Same Love by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Mary Lambert. I hope that you can read these lyrics and feel the powerful message in them as I did.

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin' "
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it

(I don't know)

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up... sex

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(not crying on Sundays)

Let's try this again....

Once upon a time I decided to blog......and failed.

Two February's ago now I decided I wanted to start a blog to share and reflect on everyday life. I don't know why I thought with a 3 year old and 4 month old I would have time to write more then two posts in a whole year. Now that things have settled, as much as they can with my sailor hubby plus a 4 & almost 2 year old, I am going to try this again.

Here's a little update on our life:

Me - Since I clearly don't wear enough hats already I decided to add a few more. I started working at Ann Taylor Loft in March and recently promoted to sales lead. I work part time there and still sell Scentsy (www.takeawhiffofthis.scentsy.us)! I've also been volunteering my time and am currently president of my husband's boats Family Readiness Group.

Flynnda - Still in the Navy on the same boat and will be until sometime in 2016. His schedule is still just as crazy and we usually don't see him until after 7pm most days, including some weekends. Sometime in the near future he will most likely be going out to sea again...Yay single mom status! (please read last phrase with a slightly sarcastic tone)

Peanut (also known as M) - Will be entering her second year of Pre-K at a local public school soon since she doesn't turn 5 before the cut off date. She is the most active, talkative and inquisitive 4 year old, who needs to know everything about everything. She currently specializes in having the attitude problems of a 16 year old girl and saying the darndest things.

Pumpkin (also know as K) - Will be turning 2 in October. She is growing up way to fast for my liking and has to do everything her big sister does. She has learned many great phrases lately such as "don't want to!", "you stop it!" and "no!". She is trying to figure out how to use the potty but hasn't mastered the part where you actually pull down your pants and diaper to do so which usually results in something a little like this...."Mama, pee-pee!" *Grabs potty seat, puts it on the potty, and tries to unravel the whole roll of toilet paper* Not exactly how you do it but she'll get there.


My hope for my blog this time around is that while sharing our everyday life you can also share the laughs, mistakes and memories that I hope to sit down with a nice cup of coffee and reflect on this time next year...because lets face it, life with two small children can be like the Hunger Games, someone might not make it out alive.

The hardest truth I will ever admit, I was that child.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html

 Please read the article above before my response below. I am in no way condoning violent behavior or excusing violence because of a having a mental illness. This is a real issue. This country has a serious problem with how it 'helps' those with mental illnesses. This is very hard for me to admit but I was that child.

 I can remember being very little, maybe no older then 5, and feeling like I was watching myself lose control and not being able to stop it. I would have these tantrums, more like explosions where I would absolutely lose it. I would hit, kick, bite, scream and say terrible unspeakable things to my parents and family. I would destroy things in our home and not feel like I could stop myself at all. My parents many times would have to restrain me until I calmed down and it would stop. It was the scariest thing I have ever been through. I feel like I would turn into this monster that couldn't be controlled. I'd want to stop and calm down but I couldn't. I did not want to hurt or upset my family but I couldn't control myself at all when this happened. I didn't understand why I was the way I was and for a long time I felt alone, confused and scared. I knew that wasn't who I was or wanted to be at all. My parents knew something wasn't normal. They took me to see a child psychiatrist, he was nice from what I remember, but wouldn't try medicating me until I was older. I was seven years old when they did start medicating me. I remember having to swallow six or seven different pills. My parents most times would have to hold me down and make me take them. It was a horrible experience for both them and I. For awhile I think the meds helped, I still had outbursts but I don't think they were as frequent. I am sure they were still just as awful.

When I was in fourth or fifth grade I was hospitalized. I was having a tantrum and I threw a large rock at my fathers head. I didn't want to kill him. I was so lost at that point in whatever had first upset me. I don't even remember what set me off. My parents took me to Four Winds, a psychiatric hospital and from what I remember it wasn't a terribly bad experience. They changed my meds around and had me participate in individual therapy and group therapy with the other kids there. Overall I think it was a safe way for them to try to get me on a medication cocktail that would work. I think I was there for about a month. My parents would visit and call often. I think I was probably mad at first but I can't remember it well. I never felt like seeking revenge for being sent there. I just wanted to be normal. I think from what I can remember for awhile I was after that. I am sure I still had outbursts like that, without the extreme violence.

When I was 13 we moved to New Hampshire. Work was better for my father who is a carpenter, so my mom, sister and I moved with him there. When I started eighth grade the cliques had already formed, everyone already had friends. I was the new girl and the only people who befriended me were mostly other new kids. Most of the 'popular' kids in my grade were cruel. They would tease me at school and on the bus. I was honestly miserable. It didn't help I didn't get along with my cousin who was a year younger and in the same school. He never once stood up for me, even when people he knew or was friends with would bully me in front of him. Towards the end of the school year I was hospitalized twice at Hampstead Hospital. I don't remember why I ended up there, what had set me off and back down that spiral. I do know the people there helped get me back on medication that helped and off I went back to school the following year.

Highschool was hell. I know everyone says that, but to me the absolute worse years of my life were eighth through tenth grade. The students both in my grade and in grades above me treated me like crap. I was bullied constantly, not psychically but verbally. I was called a slut and a whore and I have never had a boyfriend. There were rumors spread that I got knocked up and had an abortion and thats why I wasn't at school for a few months of eighth grade. I hated school. When I finally had a long term boyfriend I was happy with school. He was a person I relied on and had on my side. For awhile things were good and normal again. We had been dating for about a year and a half I believe when I found out some of who I thought were my closest friends threw a party and didn't invite me so he could hook up with an acquaintance of mine. Needless to say he broke up with me. I was completely shattered. That was the first time I tried to commit suicide. I had no friends to turn to and my family didn't seem to understand how hurt I was. I ended up being hospitalized again. Anytime I ended up being hospitalized it had always started with my parents calling the police. They didn't know what else to do. I was out of control and they couldn't stop me and I couldn't stop myself. The police in New York where I grew up from what my parents have told me were sympathetic to the situation and really tried to help my family and I. The police in New Hampshire told my parents I belonged in a juvenile detention facility and if it weren't for the officer that worked with our high school I probably would have ended up there. Officer Levesques knew I wasn't that kind of trouble. I was literally at the police station sitting with my hands zip tied together when he came and talked to the other officers who had brought me there and I'm sure other people on the police force in town who were convinced I should be sent to a detention center. Was I a danger to myself or others, absolutely, when I was loosing control of myself and in the middle of these outbursts but when I wasn't I was just a girl who didn't understand what was happening to herself and was scared of who she might be. I am still so thankful that he saw what was happening with me and knew that that wasn't the case.

My junior year of high school I left Oyster River in Durham, NH and decided to go to a boarding school in Middleboro, MA called F.L. Chamberlain. This is the place I finally gained knowledge and understanding of what was going on and how to live with my diagnoses. This is the place that FINALLY gave me and my family the help we had so desperately needed and been searching for for years. Every kid at my new school had some kind of mental illness. I finally realized how normal I really was, that I wasn't the only kid in the world who took meds or who lost control the way I did. I lived in a house with I believe about 10-12 other kids. We had house parents who would spend the days with us after school and on weekends and house parents who would spend overnights and mornings before school with us. I attended class there and had therapy weekly there. I also participated in different group therapy sessions there. As hard as it was being away from my family and the few friends I had back home that school was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I met some great people there who I still consider friends and some of the staff members there are people I will forever owe a debt of gratitude. If any of you are reading this THANK YOU! Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for teaching me ways to cope and calm myself down. You truly saved me from going down a deeper darker road in life.

After high school and into college life was simply normal. I never lost control again. Never had to be restrained again. I remained on medication and was in therapy for awhile. I have been unmedicated now on and off for about three years and am married and have two beautiful daughters. Once my husband reads this he will know the extent of my struggles of when I was younger. I don't think I have ever in this much detail admitted to anyone who I am or what I have gone through. I haven't even allowed myself to go over my past. Reading that article made me realize its time to let go. I want to share my struggle so that if others read this maybe they will find some help or comfort in knowing they are not alone, so parents like mine may find a little hope that there is help out there, and so I can let go of who I was and find peace with my childhood self. Am I worried my children may have mental health issues, absolutely, but I am armed with the knowledge that there are things I can do to help them if they do. I don't want them to ever feel confused about and scared of themselves like I did.

This country has a issue with how it helps those with mental illnesses. We don't all need to be locked up and kept away from the world, but if help isn't available or affordable how can any of us suffering and want to be different truly change? Some people are suffering in silence not knowing what to do or not being able to afford the resources out there to help themselves. I believe we need to change the way we look at mental illnesses. I believe we need to change how we treat the mentally ill. It's not okay to let people suffer who truly just want to feel normal.